She had packed her bags and was about to leave us all forever. We had heard that she was going to marry. Customary good byes followed. Some were even seen crying. I was not pretty much sure of the news at the beginning. Thought it was just one of the rumours doing the rounds in the dormitory.
When I heard she was leaving I was so numb that I did not go out to see her for the last time. Later I did not regret my decision. That would have prolonged my agony for sure. The feeling of separation, I would not have been able to withstand. I have known that feeling for quite some time. A pain ensues in my throat. I seem to choke. It continues for some time. And then I get acclimatized to it.
It seemed that everything was under my control and suddenly one of the wires snapped. And the drama takes a new turn. A cathartic turn. I am turned speechless. Thoughtless. Rather empty. Perhaps a little of me dies or decays. I am not sure.
She had joined the school only a year ago. I loved her voice. She had gentle mannerism and knew well how to handle grown up kids like us. I did not know when and how I got so deeply interested in her. Today I try to implore myself as to what were those feelings like; I do not get a clear answer. Perhaps it was agape. Perhaps it was eros. Perhaps it was somewhere in between. I did not know these categories then. I was still in junior school.
She had this smile which I can remember still. I am unable to put it into words. But yes it still plays inside my head. And that too quite often. She was not frail. Not even full bodied. But very pleasant looking. She had this particular gait. Quite languorous. I particularly liked to see her walk on those pebbles with a whistle around her neck. She used to be in charge of the kids for the day. Those walks still haunt my memories on days when nostalgia grips me in its arms.
Was she one of my many crushes? I must refuse to use the word crush because it suggests a certain sense of fleeting nature. It suggests that I do not love them now. It suggests that that was just a passing phase. An immature usage I must say.
She was going. Going forever. And I did not know what to do. And I did not do anything.
I could not even tell her how I felt about her. I do not find anything odd in it even today. My feelings for her. I just happen to feel about her that way. That is it.
After all they say love knows no boundaries.
applaudible !!!
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